It's Over, Phil. Farewell.

Dear Phillip,

People said I'd never do it, and I bet you thought I wouldn't, too. But the time has come. I have to end this.

You've never been good for me. I met you years ago. I mean, we've been doing this on-again, off-again crap for a decade. And yeah, there have been some times when we've been tight, for years even. Especially during college, O.H., and that rough patch of grad school. And when times were hard, I relied on you.I always turned to you, Phil. You and Mr. Coffee. But MC never let me down. Why did you?

Dammit, Phillip. I should have listened. My friends told me you were no good. My parents threw a fit -- they were really worried about the effect you had on me.

You've been holding me back, Phil. I turned to you always; I was always there. But what did you do for me, Phil? You made me feel like crap! You made me feel sick! Yeah, whenever we'd get back together, it would be good at first. But then, I'd start to feel the real effect, Phil. When I needed you, you would just burn up into a puff of smoke. And you always came around when I'd drink. What's up with that, Phil? You'd show up when I was studying. I couldn't get away.

You're bad for me. I know it. You're really an addiction. For years, I thought I needed you. But I don't. Man, I know I'll be ok. Yeah, it's hard. There have been some days when I've thought, "Just once. For the good times, man. Just a little fix." But I know that as soon as you touch my lips, it'll be the same old crap, man.

You've been bad for me since the day TB introduced us in high school. HIGH SCHOOL, MAN. Granted, you weren't a habit for me till college, but it started way back then. I should have known better. Everyone told me you were bad for me, but I just HAD to try you, and see what you were all about.

It was a mistake, Phil. We're through. People say, Oh, but the holidays will be hard. Oh, you'll miss it. Whatever, man. I'll be okay. I'll be fine without you. I'll walk a little more quickly, drink a little more coffee, probably be nervous for awhile. But Phil, I'll be fine without you. It's been three weeks. I only caved once, and I threw you out as soon as I realized my mistake. I can do this, Phil. I don't have to go back to you.

And as for the holidays, there are some other old pals. Jimmy Beam, Jack Daniels, George Dickel, Johnny Walker -- those guys, they'll be there for me. I can moderate with those fellas. But not you, Phillip. I just don't know when to quit with you.

So this is it, Phil. Don't come around. I mean, I know I'll see you out and stuff. I'll just have to avoid places we used to spend time together, and when friends bring you around, I'll just ignore you. Maybe have a Dum-Dum instead.

Goodbye, Phillip Morris. I loved you while it lasted, but you were bad for me.

KB